Some things are fleeting

It has been a while since I last blogged and a lot has changed. In September last year, a month-and-a-half after moving in together, my partner of seven years left me. He said he “couldn’t deal with my problems any more”. I was crushed, completely unable to comprehend what had happened and it floored me. I thought that there was nothing in the world that could make me feel any worse, truly believing that I had hit the bottom.

But life has a way of putting things into perspective for you. In November, my wonderful and brilliant Nan died unexpectedly. The heartbreak I had felt for my dead relationship didn’t matter anymore because I had lost one of the most important people in my life. This person had been there from the moment I was born and I couldn’t imagine trying to live without her being at the end of the phone. All I could think about was how I had failed her as a granddaughter, as I felt like I hadn’t been to visit enough or called her as often I should have.

I can’t properly explain what happened from there, as people can never really put into words how they feel when they slip into a depression so dark and overwhelming that it feels like there will never be light again.

Funnily enough, my MS didn’t really bother me during this time. Any pain I experienced seemed fitting to the emotional agony I felt inside. I didn’t want to be me anymore as I couldn’t see the point in being alive. To me, I no longer had any value as a human being. I repeatedly told myself that nothing would change and that it would only get worse. And for a time, it did. I let myself feel this way for a couple of months until I decided to go and see my doctor. There wasn’t a ‘eureka’ moment where I had found divine inspiration to get better. I just felt like living in the dark was a strain, one that would continue to build if I didn’t confront it.

While the NHS has its flaws, I am lucky to say that I have a fantastic relationship with my GP. She recognised instantly how distressed I was and referred me for counselling. She also made follow up appointments to check in with me to see if I was feeling better. Eventually, I did start to feel better. It didn’t happen overnight and I didn’t wake up one morning filled with unbound glee. It was more like I was slowly roused from a deep sleep.

I can honestly say that things are better now. I finally passed my driving test (after six failed attempts), I bought a car, I’m going out with my friends again, and learning to enjoy life. I’m trying my hand at dating again, and while it’s not proved to be successful yet, it’s certainly being entertaining.

For the first time in a long time, I can say that I’m looking forward to what the future holds.


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